nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
