Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
