I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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