it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How external is "for external use only"?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
