but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
