If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
