I met the friendliest cop last night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
