Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
