WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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