just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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