I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The beer is more important than you right now.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
