you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
