the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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