opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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