Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
