She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
