You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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