Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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