come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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