A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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