Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
