I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
