I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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