I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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