a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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