May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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