My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize