Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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