Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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