Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
