Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
