I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize