Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
