nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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