and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
