I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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