I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
