wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
