i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
