She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize