Already got asked if we're dating
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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