he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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