My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
