and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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