The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
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