Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
