Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
