I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
