I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
