it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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