a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
