overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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