I wish I could punch you in the face.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
