you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
