I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
