Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
