everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
