I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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